Over many years I have known that in order to feel whole and able to take on the challenges of the world I must have my essential “support activities” (e.g., dance, yoga, walking, hiking, reading, writing, and then more writing, and more hiking, and also singing, knitting… – of course, in different order at different times of my life) and I also must have my own “support team” (e.g., friends, family, kids, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, classmates, work mates and communities (and countries!) I have lived in – again in different order at different times of my life). I have cultivated these carefully chosen and cherished provisions not “just in case things go south”, as you say here, but because it is a healthy way (and the only healthy way in my mind!) to show up as a productive, content participant in this larger picture called life.

During the spare time afforded to us, or “forced upon us”, depending on how one wants to view it in these Covid times, I reread an essay I had written about 20 years ago, when taking Sue Anne’s and Jim’s  Let It Go Yoga Teacher Training course. It was an obligatory essay about a book (picked from the provided suggested reading list), and I had chosen to write about Louise L. Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life”. If you do not know the book, I do suggest reading it or at least leafing through it, as (towards the end) it contains a gloriously simple table (a warning: it looks waaaay tooo simple to be taken seriously if taken out of the context) describing dominant thought patterns that usually lead to physical ailments. That same table also provides an alternative affirmation(-s) to be used instead of the old rusty thought pattern(-s). In my submission I described the strange feeling of revolt that I encountered while reading the book for the first time. I also analyzed ideas that I could not understand or subscribe to. I wrote about how I forced myself to go back and reread it, how I made myself re-evaluate the proposed possible reasons to ailments. Eventually (albeit slowly) my opposition waned, and a rather clear picture emerged: I had perceived the book as a judgement (or, more precisely, even an attack) against me. I was taking it ”oh, so personally” and I was fighting against it because I was judging myself. I was handing out my own judgments ruthlessly, unforgivingly and consistently. And I was doing it to myself. And the book served as a mirror, in a way, to show me that.

For some time then I had felt that there was a person missing from my team, the team described in the first paragraph as ”my  support team”. It didn’t feel complete and it was not amounting to what it was supposed to be. It took many hours of yoga, solitude, thinking and just being, as well as many books, and many re-readings of the books, and time to figure out that what was missing from the picture (I mean “my team’s roster”) was… me.  I was not on my own support team! So, then … what was to happen next? My realization about the absence of an important team member (myself) was one thing, but making a jump from that realization to acceptance, action and then change was quite another. I wasn’t sure how to go about it.

And then…  the wisp of a cloud in the sky helped. TRULY.

Driving home one afternoon I noticed a cloud (that’s in a photo at the top of this writing). It surprised me – that simple cloud, that simple smile…  That Smile! Where did it come from?  Was it Cheshire Cat’s smile (sorry – grin!)? Was it Mona Lisa’s smile? Or was it the benevolent smile of the Universe?

It absolutely made me feel accepted and hopeful. It made me smile.

I (kind of) got it: if the clouds can do that, so can I! Yes, I can smile at myself, to myself, with myself, within myself. I can smile just like that – with benevolence, calmly, gently, soundly and ever so consistently. So, I made my mind up – I was going to do just that. And rereading the essay recently made me recommit to that resolution. I will be doing it next year- smiling with the ease of a cloud. And then, I also have the same plan for the next year, and then the next one…

Yes, yes yes, I am ready for the next year and the next smile.

Thank you Louise L. Hay, thank you Sue Anne and Jim, thank you, the wisp of a cloud in Goleta, California, on a sunny afternoon many years ago, thank you, Indra-then, for writing that essay and thank you, present unprecedented times, for the chance to be reminded of it all.

May the next year bring us all wisps of clouds, reminding and strengthening the lessons in self-acceptance and non-judgement.

Written by Indra Strong, Certified Let It Go Yoga teacher. Photo Credit: Indra Strong.

 

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