I tend to think that I practice Let It Go Yoga with mindfulness that it requires. This following issue came up for me in a Let It Go Yoga session some time ago. I became painstakingly aware of the fact that I, personally, was not able to receive the same way I was giving – as giving was so much easier (and more noble?! in my eyes, clouded by society’s stereotypes…) than receiving! And understanding that many of us (myself included!) have some degree of difficulty still (to say the least!) with receiving (because it might be perceived as weakness!) – be it praise, support, love, help – I set out to read some articles on-line. And so I came across a mysterious and rather clumsy (AND also undeniably gorgeous!) term : “vulnerabravery”, coined by the author Toko-pa Turner. As I was reading her writing, an event that happened 22 years ago, came flooding back to me, bringing the lessons of that moment into the forefront of my attention.

We all are used to the old adage : “It’s better to give than to receive.” (In my birth country there are many a folk song dealing with this subject of giving vs receiving, and, I am sure, there are similar sayings, stories, folk songs, tales and fables in numerous other cultures.) I am going to share this 22 year old story no matter what your beliefs and countries of birth and their traditions are. Let’s see where that takes us. So, here we go:

My good friend, a wonderful, energetic, smart and passionate Catalan woman, named Paloma, asked if I could help her out by baking some of my “famous” vegetarian cottage cheese pies for the retreat they (her husband and herself) were organizing. It was to be held “in the middle of nowhere” (meaning – in the woods not far from Bristol, UK) and they could really use some healthy food that could be safely transported into the wilderness and eaten a day or two later. I was honored and gladly signed up to bake 4 pies for them. As it happened, I had enough ingredients for 6 pies, so I made 6. They gratefully took them all. I felt happy and was convinced that that was the end of the story – I had made my friends happy, I was happy myself and … well – all was well!

 

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That really should have been the end of that story – as per my understanding at the time. However, if we fast forward to a couple of weeks later, it continues… Paloma and I were shopping at a local grocery store together, and, seemingly out of blue, picking up a bottle of rather expensive red wine, Paloma asked if I liked the wine she had chosen for me as a “thank you for the generous help with those many pies”. I felt honored (again!) and said something like: ” …yes, sure, but in no way I want/need you to buy it for me”. Paloma gave me a stern and serious look and slowly repeated her question: ”Would you, Indrita, like it?” I slowly repeated my very sensible answer (or so I thought) one more time. Paloma just kept looking at me and then calmly said : ”Could you, please, accept this bottle as our thanks for all you have done for us?” And I still kept smiling and said something like :
”… well… thank you, but no, we have plenty of wines at home… and really…” and I did not get to finish my polite (or so I thought) sentence as I saw my beautiful Catalan friend rise her arm in the air, still holding the red wine bottle, and heard her say something like : “Indrita, WHY can’t you just accept my thank you?” She made a big wave over her head, with her hand holding that bottle, and then without any hesitation smashed it against the cement floor… The noise! The mess! The embarrassment! Pieces of shattered green glass were everywhere and the drops of that very red, red wine were everywhere, too. People were watching us, of course. I was mortified, felt vulnerable, exposed, raw and scared. I can still – 22 years later – remember how silent the supermarket felt at that moment, and how my dear Paloma had tears in her eyes… because I did not know how to and therefore could not receive/accept her thanks, love and support. Now this should be the real end of the story, right? Well, no, as being a Catalan, she did not stop there…

My friend picked up another bottle of wine. “I will try one more time,” she said. “Would you, please, accept this bottle of wine as a token of appreciation for all your love and hard work?” The next red wine bottle was in her hand, high in the air… You probably guessed what my answer was…

 

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“At the heart of it, I think we avoid the receptive state because it penetrates our public presentations and takes us right into the question of worthiness. Am I deserving of this goodness? This happiness? This pleasure? Do I deserve to stand in this circle? Take up room? Be heard?” says Toko-pa Turner.

I have to admit that that episode at Tesco (a supermarket in UK) was the most colorful and dramatic lesson in receiving I ever have been subjected to. It also helped me to really understand that the process of receiving is more than a physical act. And that in so many ways it is the same as giving – it is the same coin, so to speak, just different sides. They – giving and receiving – are truly interdependent acts.

I would like to think, that by now I have learned from that episode. However, now and then, my husband has had to bring up the moment in that Tesco store just to remind me to stay present, as my first reaction would have been to act as if I do not know how to receive, and as if … my friend Paloma had dropped that bottle on the floor in vain.

You’d have to agree though (in my defense) that that is a tall order when living in a society with culture that honors giving more than receiving, right?

“… It takes what I like to call ‘vulnerabravery’ to receive. … We become responsible for tending to one another’s pieces. Not only is the giver allowed to express their bestowing heart, the receiver is taken into a greater tenderness of their own giving nature. As we grow our capacity for gratitude–which is another way of saying completeness or belonging–we are healing our tiny-giant part of the world’s devastating wound of scarcity.” From the book ”Belonging, Remembering Ourselves Home” by Toko-pa Turner.
So, yes, Paloma, please, I would really like that bottle of wine. Thank you. Really. Thank you for your thank you. For putting that mirror up to my face and soul and teaching me my tiny-giant part in this equation. For teaching a lesson in vulnerabravery to me. And thank you Let It Go Yoga.

And I do know what I know now: I am as worthy of giving, as I am of receiving. Thank you. I am grateful.

 

Story and photo contributed by Indra Strong